Writers Block

Thanks for the comments on the previous post. I'm still processing it all really. PhysioProf asked why I was bothered if these pages were searchable and indexed. The simple answer is that people googling and finding this blog is not a problem, things like Google cache is a problem. I haven't reached a stage in blogging where I feel entirely comfortable with the longevity of posts let loose on the Internet. 99 % of the time I am not writing anything I wouldn't say to the people
involved. It is the other 1 % when I hit 'post' without thinking twice that bothers me. With the no cache no archive script I can stop the problem before it happens. Interestingly, when I first blocked the blog content from Google searches, the number of troll comments dropped straight away. The number of readers fell as well but I felt then that I was dealing with a more purposeful crowd of readers who had not merely stumbled on some rant about how being a postdoc sucks. I'm trying to email this post to the blog to see if that will streamline the writing process a little. As I'm feeling quite indecisive about this blog at the moment, it is becoming increasingly difficult to come up with content!
Someone should draw a cartoon of a stereotypical new academic in their office. They would be sitting at their desk, little mounds of paper and books all around, and a huge baseball bat at the door. No, it isn't for the students, it's for the feelings of being quite overwhelmed that frequently come knocking. I don't know about you, but I think a huge comic baseball bat would be a pretty easy way to beat them down for a while so that real work can be done!
I don't feel particularly settled here yet. I'm not sure whether it is the job, the new place to live or adjusting to being back in the UK. It is probably all three really. Our house doesn't yet feel very homely, partly because there is no furniture outwith the bed room. Living room stuff and dining stuff should arrive in the next couple of weeks and I hope that then it will start to feel like somewhere where real people live. My office, well, at various points this week as been refereed to as 'a Vampire cave', 'cold and dark' and other descriptors to the same effect. The weather has been good and warm, the sun shines straight in the window in the morning, and the electric lights hurt my head. So the window is open, the blinds are half shut, the lights are off and the monitor brightness is way down low. I'm seriously a high maintenance office person because I require wrist rests, correctly adjusted chairs, specific types of pens with good soft grips, and now it seems I also require a desk light so that I don't have to put the evil fluorescent strip lights on. The fluorescent strip light thing was a bit of a revelation as I've had about 2 weeks of nasty headaches. Drawing the blinds and turning off the lights has been the only thing that has cured it.
I digress, I was talking about feeling settled. I always find that in a new place what you do for the first 6 months bears no resemblance to what you do for the rest of the time. I think this place will be no exception. Do I mean that it takes me 6 months to settle in? Actually I think it takes me a whole year to feel settled in. I need to go through the motions of the year once, and then come back to them to really feel OK in a place. The unsettled feeling is not good, but I try to remind myself that 2 months ago I had a very different job in a very different country. This has been a big change. I'm also starting to miss some things about Canada. I miss coffee places, good city shopping (believe me when I say the clothes shopping here bites), the water, good hot chocolate (not that terrible 'make up with water' powdery stuff they sell here), and many other small, seemingly insignificant things. I missed bubble baths, but that was only because we didn't have a bath plug. I suspect the nearest Lush is quite some way away. I miss the massive choice of junk food for lunch. The British do so love their sandwiches!
OK, this seems like a decent length of emailing test post so I'll send it off and see if it gets there.

Call for a Consult

I want to make some changes around here but I'm not sure what quite yet. If this blog is to continue, I need to make it different to how it was. Frankly, it reminds me of the past couple of years a little too much. Everything else is shiny and new at the moment, but this blog is looming in the corner like the unwanted guest at the party.

So if I continue, I was thinking about:

(a) shifting to wordpress because they look like they've got some pretty cool stuff happening
(b) shifting to my own website but keeping the name
(c) staying here and just picking a new template (although just looking at the blogger interface causes me problems. I want new!).

If I don't continue here, I was thinking about:

(a) Setting up shop at wordpress, with a new name, all shiny and new (I realize that I'm not willing to part with money to be a pseud blogger)
(b) Setting up shop somewhere, blogging more as me because I think I'd like to talk about what I actually do a bit more, without fear of being outed
(c) Just not continuing at all.
(d) applying to nature network or similar (although I am extremely reluctant to blog anywhere that requires commenter's to be registered members, even if they'd have me! It always feels like a tight community over there, and I can never remember my damn login details which is why I rarely comment).

These are all in roughly order of preference, but with no particular preference between keeping the name (which I do love) and starting over.

If there are any wordpress users reading, how do you find it? Are there other blogging sites (I've tried livejournal and I'm not overly fond of it)? I have a ridiculous hosting package on one of my websites that I think could absorb another domain without too much hassle, so I could shift there at little cost (probably just domain registration). I'd probably use wordpress as the latest release seems pretty good.

Oh and while we're on the subject, I've been using Joomla (content management software) to set up a professional website but I'm finding it a bit frustrating. I love the look of iWeb but can't justify buying a mac just for that. Anyone know of half decent website creating software? I have Dreamweaver MX but find it too complex for quick and dirty website creation. I don't have the time for anything more.

I just feel like its time to get a fresh sheet of paper and a new pen. Make any sense at all?

Another Saturday Night...

"Mum! The KFC is finished!"
"Chicken! Always f**king chicken!" (Little Miss Sunshine)

Other suggestions welcome.

Recipe for disaster fun.

Can I have some cullots with that Platypus, Archbishop?

Yesterday was a good day. The day before wasn't so much. My throat hurts, I don't know if I have some bug or whether I did twisted the wrong way and strained something. Maybe I just yelled too loud and strained my voice.

Overheard at a function:
Student 1: pork with a red wine sauce and shallots.
Student 2: what are shallots?
Student 1: I don't know. I always thought they were them things half way between a skirt and a pair of shorts.
(much nervous laughter)
Student 1: I guess they aren't.

Read on the RSC website: "Chemists measure chilli sauce hotness with nanotubes"
And of course that sort of research gets more publicity than something sensible/useful/remarkable! Does anyone honestly look at themselves in the mirror and say 'when I grow up I want to be a chemist who uses some kind of weird nanotechnology to analyse how much Friday night's Vindaloo is going to burn me mount'? Of course not.

I'm sure we are all much relieved to know that the platypus was in fact assembled from many other bits of other animals.
"one of nature's oddest creatures, seemingly assembled from the spare parts of other animals" (Nature)
Perhaps creationists will be using it as evidence that god doesn't waste anything so once all the other animals were made, he used the bits left over to make the platypus.

Of course, while we're on the subject, I'm sure we're all relieved to know that The Archbishop of Westminster has called for Atheists to be treated with respect because ' a "hidden God" was active in everyone's life'. Ah OK, so I'm quoting selectively from the article. More respect and tolerance can never be a bad thing but the qualifying hidden god bit sort of spoiled the moment!

Last Words on Postdoc

I've been trying rather hard not to think about what the last 12 months were like. I've been trying not to get into a negative loop of 'should have done this that and the other differently'. It doesn't help. Moving on and looking forwards is the healthiest thing I think. I would like to write more generally about some of the things that helped over the last 12 months, rather than what hindered.

Knowing it wasn't (that) personal.

Finding a couple of former group members that could identify with my perceptions and experiences in the lab helped enormously. Suddenly things went from being very selfish and 'all about me' to being wider issues about many people. It was a relief to know that it wasn't because I had some terrible flaw that meant that people responded to me in certain ways. The same people also became a support network. They had no real advice to offer, having left the lab without resolving any of the issues, but they could always say 'yeah, that happened to me as well'.

Knowing I was getting out.

The worst moments over the last year were the points when there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Continuing to the end of the fellowship was just as bad an option as being unemployed. Setting a real deadline to get out was incredibly useful. I compromised on not staying until the end of my fellowship, but not packing up and walking out during the worst times. I came up with an exit strategy based on how much work I needed to do to complete one publication's worth of data (I added about 30 % extra time to my original estimate to allow for contingencies), set a date in my head and started working towards it. When leaving a bad situation becomes when not if, things do get much better.

Knowing what was reasonable.

What can reasonably be expected of someone? And who decides it? Was it reasonable to think that as a postdoc I would be happy to contribute widely to lab projects and not be acknowledged in any way (as in grad students claiming my suggestions as their ideas)? Was it reasonable to assume that I could work without any support whatsoever and still expect stellar results? I think there were many unreasonable demands made on me (of which working hard and being a productive and helpful lab member should not be counted) and I started refusing to respond to them. If a grad student started claiming my suggestions as their ideas, I'd just comment 'yes, when I suggested that to you I was thinking that it might work in this way...'. If I was set a ridiculous deadline (like 'I know you're leaving the country in 2 days but I want to see the next draft of this manuscript, have you correct it, finish the figures and then submit it before you go' when the coauthor had taken over 2 weeks to read the earlier draft), then I just explained straight away that it wasn't possible and set a more realistic one. That didn't go down well as you might imagine. Were some of these deliberate attempts to make me fail? I doubt it but I think they came from a distinct lack of reason. You know what kind of responses you will get for things, you can prepare in advance when you have to. Be fair, be reasonable and don't give in.

Knowing work isn't everything.

Yes it is difficult. Performance as a postdoc is something that your very future depends on, right? Wrong. At some point you have to distinguish who you are from what you do. It isn't something you normally see in scientists, especially not academics because their whole personality seems wrapped around what they do. You don't have to be like that. If you want to leave the lab at the end of the day and pursue a hobby, sport or social activity, then that is perfectly reasonable. Happy, well rounded individuals perform better overall. Imagine leaving science at the end of a bad postdoc and thinking that all you had done for 2-5 years was work in a lab. Ridiculous. Just because other people try to be that dedicated/single minded/focused, doesn't mean it will work for you. If you are in a difficult situation at work it is probably more important than ever to get out of the office/lab and into the real world. Perspective doesn't come from a supply company you know.

Double G&T Please Sir!

I'm not prone to drinking at lunchtime. I don't like the woozy head for the remainder of the day, nor the hungover at dinnertime if it is just a brief indulgence. But if the option had been available this lunchtime, I'd have taken it. I'm starting to appreciate better the title of Paula Caplan's book: 'Lifting a Ton of Feathers'. So many small things, each light and contributing very little to overall mass, but collectively heavy and quite difficult to contain and control. That pretty much sums up my existence right now. So many things that would individually be 'sure, fine, no problem' collectively sum to be 'I have to do what, what and what? before when?'

But don't misunderstand me, I'm loving every moment of it.

Five hour teaching lab classes aren't that tiring (except when everyone is using ether). And tutorials are fine but will be better once I have retrieved my textbooks and notes from storage and have things to consult when working through the questions myself. Actually my textbooks will make my office look much more lived in. I'm amazed at how much basic chemistry I have forgotten, and equally amazed at how fast it comes back to you. What a relieve, I actually learned something as an undergraduate. Now lets hope I can help my undergraduates learn something too! There are courses here to help you become a better teacher...but they suggest that you get some experience of teaching before enrolling. Chicken and Egg anyone?

One of the most enjoyable bits is thinking stuff up for research ideas. Regular readers may know that I have a curiously varied background and have changed subfields twice. I'm now embarking on subfield number three. It isn't as crazy as it sounds, as I have a very strong link to my work in all three subfields (that being the basic science), but just the applications are different. So I'm now cramming in subfield 3 specific knowledge into my head, which is really interesting. Undergraduate projects, grants, potential collaborations. I'm approaching them all the same way - read lots then let the thoughts reach critical mass and turn them into viable ideas.

I've nearly finished the two papers from my postdoc and plan to send them to the other authors next week. Submitted by the end of the month is my goal. I think one should go without too much hassle, the other (the review article) might be more problematic. Then I need to take a long hard look at some other data from a different project and see if anything is worth publishing in it. I hesitate because the data show larger variations than I'd like and the trends aren't clear. I ran out of time in the postdoc to repeat them more, but I'm not sure I'll be able to (i) get someone to finish the work in postdoc lab, or (ii) ethically (and financially) do more work on it here.

Other differences to North America - no start up funds, communal labs and equipment, and they automatically put milk in your tea when you order it.

Music Meme

Because nothing says procrastination like a meme.

Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.

Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.

Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.

Step 4: Strike through when someone gets them right

Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING.

1. War, Huh, yeah, what is it good for.

2. All around me are familiar faces But not Gary Jules

3. I have nothing to do on this hot afternoon

4. I wanna be young for the rest of my life

5. There is freedom within, there is freedom without

6. Nobody knows this girl's name, she hides behind

7. (instrumental) Sitting here eating my heart out baby

8. I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone

9. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

10. You saw me standing by the wall, corner of a main street

11. (Instrumental), Every silver lining has a cloud

12. If it seems like I've been lost then lets remember

13. I had no choice but to hear you

14. Well I don't know why I came here tonight

15. Just like the wandering dove sings a song,

16. I just died in your arms tonight yeah, sorry about that one folks

17. I need a mirror and the eyes of a man

18. Fighting fire with fire

19. Step Up, step up, fall back, take a look at me and you'll see

20. How many days' has it been since I was born